Sayonara break…

Wrapping up the evening and reflecting, realizing how much has changed in the past week. Both girls are now working, and spent the majority of break doing just that!  They are learning how to juggle life, work, theater and now this week they will add school into the mix.  A decision was made for me moving forward. I was determined to make this decision over the break and quit floundering back and forth.  I feel good about it and now I just have to craft the email to support the long hours I put into making it.  (Procrastination at its best…tomorrow, I’ll do it tomorrow!)

I didn’t travel anywhere, but I don’t feel sad about that.  I spent a lot of time thinking.  I needed that!  It seems like every day flies by and before I know it I haven’t stopped to even breathe, let alone appreciate anything around me.  So I was happy to stop and “smell the roses.”

They smelled fantastic.  It felt good.  

Hopefully it still feels good at 5:30 am tomorrow morning!

Signature

As I slid my finger under the plain white seal, ripping open the large envelope, I couldn’t help but think about what this meant. After eighteen and a half months, this was the final set of papers. I have received so many large white envelopes since August 29, 2021. But this one would be the last. This settles the estate.

My grandmom was like a mother to me, so serving as the executrix of her estate has been an honor. At the same time, it has been a way to stay “connected” to her.

I miss her.

She loved me like no one else ever did and she told me so, every chance she got. I think everyone should have someone like that in their life. Grandmom and I didn’t have as much time together as we should have. People and situations kept us apart at times, but she never stopped loving me.

As I signed my name today, next to the neon arrow placed carefully by the attorney, I wrote so slowly…knowing that another jumbo white envelope would not arrive again, connecting us together in this odd way.

Not today

I can’t bring myself to write today.

I want to. I really do.

My writing brings me to a reflective place and I want to be present today.

So, not today.

Tomorrow is another day.

It’s me.

I remember the conversation. Every so often it replays in my head like a film that could have had a sequel, but one of the leads refused to return.

I didn’t think you’d answer the phone that day. As it buzzed in my ear, my heart pounded in my throat, and I was convinced that I would lose my courage and slam down the phone.

The line clicked and I heard, “Hello?”

For a moment, I froze. This was the moment I had been trying gather the strength to face for most of my life. I couldn’t do it.

“It’s me.”

“What do you want?”

Say it! Open your mouth and SAY IT! I was trying to speak but nothing was coming out. I was silent for so long.

“Stop wasting my time!”

And all at once it came rushing out like an explosion that had been ignited by the spark of fury that only that voice could do.

“You are no longer welcome in my life. Or my daughters’ lives. We won’t be coming to your house ever again and you cannot ever come here!”

It was so quiet.

“You are ridiculous.”

And before I knew it, I spoke the words that I replay over and over, knowing deep down that it’s probably what HE remembers as well.

“You are just angry, because you realize that you can’t control me anymore.”

And I quietly, peacefully, slowly hung up the phone. I don’t believe I’ll ever speak to him again.

I’m working on forgiveness.

Someday. Maybe.

Enthusiasm is infectious

I found this somewhere…but I can’t remember who to give proper credit. I just want to share it because I’ve been saving it and rereading it. It’s really powerful and I need it.

“Enthusiasm is infectious. Don’t waste your time hanging around people who try to belittle your dreams. Associate with people who inspire and challenge you, lift you higher and make you better. Walk with the visionaries, the believers, the doers and the courageous. Great people make you feel that you too can become great.” ~Author Unknown

Up, down, turn…

up, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step

turn…

down, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step

turn…

each step resonates 

squeak, snap, groan 

up, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step

turn…

down, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step

turn…

it’s going to be a long day

growling stomach hoping for some lunch

up, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step

turn…

down, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step

turn…

don’t change the pattern

don’t let it stop

up, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step

turn…

down, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step

turn…

aching calves, burning ankles, 

humiliation going up and down

up, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step

turn…

down, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step

turn…

the punishment fits the crime

if you run, you walk

up, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step

turn…

down, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step

turn…

tick, tick, tick

the sun is setting and so is any hope of this ending

up, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step

turn…

down, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step

turn…

“Did you learn your lesson?”

“yes”

“Go to bed”

Cassandra Lou

Cassandra Lou was my best friend. We went everywhere together for the few days we were friends. She laughed at my jokes. She cried with me when I was scared in the middle of the night. She didn’t even mind when I accidentally forget about her when I went to Church on Sunday that week.

Cassandra Lou was smiling from the moment she saw me on Christmas morning! I knew we were going to be together forever and as I packed for the trip to Daddy’s house that day, she didn’t make a peep as I squished her tiny body into my backpack. I carefully tucked her “cornsilk” hair in on top of her so it didn’t get caught in the zipper and then in tossed her special brush. She continued to smile at me with her dimples and her blue eyes as bright as ever.

“You didn’t take that doll, did you?”

“I put it in my backpack”

“Give it to me. I told you not to take it to his house.”

And in a second, my best friend was being ripped from the safety of my arms and carried to the basement. I followed quickly behind tears beginning to pour from my eyes, my mouth closing tight so no sound would escape.

In a second, Cassandra Lou’s life was ended. The shears I’d seen used on hedges and brush, now tearing into the cloth of her tiny body. Her cornsilk curls bouncing helplessly as soft, snow white organs fell to the ground, all while she stared at me with her icey blue eyes…smiling.

She forgave me. She still loved me.

Broken Corelle

cold white glass

golden butterfly flowers circling

drifting slowly to the ground as if in slow motion

slivers of corelle exploding across the floor

too many glass splinters to collect

the voice booms

feels like it’s coming from inside my soul

surrounding like a swarm of angry wasps

shame

guilt

fix it…fix it…

faster

I’m sorry

I remember what it felt like to sit with anticipation as my only friend

Waiting with anxiety, wondering what would it be next

Something I said?

Was it a word that would set the ball in motion?

Or perhaps a sound,

That caused unnecessary attention and awareness of my existence

Passing from one shadow to the next

Thinking I could escape the inevitable by pretending to be invisible

It never worked

Keep Going

Exhaustion is so overwhelming that it consumes every inch of your body. You walk through the world as though it is existing around you and making noise and things are happening however it’s in a swirling, humming, whirrrrrr…..

The tunnel of exhaustion begins to close around you and sounds start to become echos. Comprehension is no longer an option. You stare off, with slow breaths and are barely able to move.

This is exhaustion, pure and simple.

Then you get up and plow through because there is too much to do to stop “doing” for the day.